By Steven Dixon
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You realize that you can explain answers and situations a lot better to everyone by using puppets.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): They all told you that you’ve got adventure in your blood; well, after that last adventure, it’s time for a blood transfusion.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You will invent a new skin-colored covering for casts this month to prevent people from approaching the wearers asking what happened. Nothing’s more annoying than repeating yourself 20 times a day.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You thought it would be funny to replace the sugar with garlic salt as a practical joke on your roommate. Beware of e-v-e-r-y condiment when you return home, especially the flour, or is it the mustard?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You will make your riches by selling hotdogs in packages of eight, but soon lose it all when stores refuse to sell them because fewer people buy hotdog buns.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You begin to research how to petition to change the time fall officially begins. You feel that 3:44 is a little early in the afternoon. You present 7:24 p.m. as a much more reasonable time.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Quit blaming the couch! It’s not even real leather.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t you wish you could just Ctrl + Z things you mess up?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will write a very successful book for the upcoming holiday season, about a true miracle, justly named “How the Grinch Had a Kid Who Always Had a Stinch.”
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20): After much thought, maybe going to next year’s Flutag event isn’t such a great idea. At least, not until you find all 137 test kites and 14 RC airplanes you lost.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18): You will soon come up with the idea for a man-boob bra. Yeah, good luck with that.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): You begin to wonder why they haven’t yet put a tiny camera on vacuums. They put a light on some of them, and your cell phone (that also has a light) sucks and cost just as much as the vacuum.