November Humorscope: A glimpse into the future

Steven Dixon

Advertising director

Aries (3/21-4/19)

Don’t worry, depression is covered under ObamaCare


Taurus (4/20-5/20)

So you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a failure because you can’t sing, act, or dance. Don’t fret, there’s still hope; you could always become a late night television host. They can’t do any of the above either.


Gemini (5/21-6/20)

Tired of getting your astrology from here? Buy fortune cookies. It’s more expensive, better tasting and you get the same advice!


Cancer (6/21-7/22)

You will have a great epiphany today: women are truly better than men. If they weren’t, they would be intolerable.


Leo (7/23-8/22)

You’ve been noticing that you are waking up on the wrong side of the bed, and the mirror for that matter. Don’t worry, you can’t feel as bad as you look or look as bad as you feel, hopefully.


Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Your new lucky number is 270, unless you’re a Republican


Libra (9/23-10/22)

Quit giving words to the wise. Worry about giving those words to the stupid.


Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

You will come up with the new definition of a politician this month; something along the lines of knowing a thousand ways to make love but not knowing any women.


Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

If you have doctor’s appointment this month, when you arrive you see the plants are dead, leave immediately.


Capricorn (12/22-1/20)

When asked to reveal some things about yourself, just remember that clothing should not enter your mind.


Aquarius (1/21-2/18)

Romance will flourish forth this upcoming weekend from the cup of love you hold in your heart; unless there’s alcohol in that cup, then it’s gonna be the worst experienced Monday you’ve ever known.


Pisces (2/19-3/20)

Japan will unexpectedly weigh heavy in your mind next week. Although, my vision of the reason why is foggy. Guess you’ll have to cross that bridge when it comes.


November 15, 2012